the fire


When something that you have dreamed of for such a long time begins to take form, and you can see it before you, it starts to look like a fire burning in the distance. The fire was released because of a few variables, drive, passion, but mostly living so much of my life being told by particular people or society that what i was, was too much. So it seems that those who have told me no, only stoked my fire, until it burned so bright at this point not much could put it out. 


With fire comes smoke, and often times damage. When people have stood tall with me it seems to be contained, but when they have blocked me its only made the flames grow taller. The smoke goes incredibly far, and i thought that even i would be safe from its massive ability to spread. That has not been the case. 


Fire doesn’t have many ways it can burn, its pretty black and white. Its red hot, or its not. Very similar to my personality. I know from experience that living by the rules of black or white is like standing at the edge of a cliff and planting your heels firmly into place or jumping and feeling free. I see the torture in the ride or die life. I feel the inward tornado of running high or low. The other hand is steady, its not choosing one or the other, its loving boundaries, breathing deeply, its a life not meant for us all. black and white, or gray. neither is wrong, or right. they just are.


It is always hard for me when I stand in a place of true giving nature, and people around me cant receive. K+S has changed so much since she first started. It was just massage, with a dash of astrology, then i added in a sprinkle of herbs, then the goddess busted through the double doors and it became a center for massive healing in all form. Mind, body and spirit. Recently during a conversation with my husband he suggested I not put “witchcraft” in my ad (let me add this with he is incredibly supportive he is just a libra and wanted me to see the other side). There it was, my fire, standing right there in our bedroom, everything I had worked so hard to uncover and bring out into spotlight was being suggested to get put back away. Now. I heard him out (sort of), as he said it may make some people feel alienated and not come for a massage if they dont believe or are scared of witch craft. Totally valid point right? totally. BUT. For me, again its black and white, if someone can not enter Knead and Seed with an open mind and know that this is a place of immense healing, than I could attempt to show them this. However, I can not, and will not, change what I do in order to make other people feel comfortable. 


It should be this way for everyone, and everything. If it annoys the person next to you that you talk in both Spanish and english they can move over, or put on some headphones. If your being told that you need to constantly cover your body in order not to distract other, they have the ability to not look at you. YOU are responsible for every single action you take, and everything that comes out of your mouth. YOU are NOT responsible to someone else’s reaction to it. 


Im no stranger to Venus shaming, I see the look from other moms at the drop off line, at pick up in the courtyard. The difference is the old me would have shrunk to fit in the sag harbor box. No more. Sag Harbor is ready for Venus living on the outside. Im a wide open book in SO many places in my life. (I have millions of layers and secrets and pain— i am a scorpio after all) But this journey to be where I am RIGHT now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW, seemed like forever and a day. I cant turn my back on my truth, on what I do. i can only try to educate and heal. Let it be known, it is not in my job description to MAKE you believe in astrology, or witchcraft or any of the spiritual things we do here. If you want to know, come in, if you dont, I respect that truth. That is all i want, for everyone to stand in their truth and not be swayed. 


Ive been burned, by my own fire at times, and other people’s as well. But I dont let it stop me from learning, yearning, seeking, finding. I keep going. Lately, ive been exhausted, i have not been balancing work and personal time very well. Its as though I feel like I will be punished if i rest. i know these thoughts hold no weight. i need to sink in and begin to practice what i preach a bit more. but also immerse myself in things that are for MY growth, not just K+S. I have been so interested in learning more about white privilege, from women of color. Ive wanted to be the only white woman in a room, I want to feel uncomfortable. I want to know, am i contributing to this culture and just having my blinders on? So. I started this journey. Its new, its in the beginning stages, but my god it has made my fire wider, stronger, brighter. This is my new truth. I am reading to listen, not talk. Learn, and take notes, stand in the back. and bring it all in. 


So. We often think our truth cant change, it is what it is. Truth is always changing, morphing, expanding. Just like fire. What does your fire need? Does it need to be stoked? What would that look like for you? Whatever you do, just dont let it burn out.