So much of what we see in the media, social media that is, are ways we can improve and how one particular person has all the answers. For whatever the particular thing might be, weight loss, spiritual healing, how to write a book, yoga, the list is endless. They present you with this image wrapped up in satin and lace, and they hook you. tie you right around their finger. now you are in, and you think you cant escape right? THIS. IS. THE. ONLY. WAY. right? WRONG.
first of all when you listen to just one person’s method, or learn just one way of doing something, even if you get to your desired result it does not mean there aren’t other options that will get you to the same place. you put your heart at real risk and and danger when you first don’t look within, (or at the very least lean on someone that can help you look within) and it can make you become fooled by these quick schemes.
so here is my best attempt to break this spell so many of you are under. first take one eye of newt, seven bat hearts… kidding. but i do have a spell for that : )
breaking this spell is not easy and certainly not quick. but you must. rip it off like a bandaid.
now this absolutely does not mean that you don’t learn new things, ok. example time. I fucking love the astro twins , i have learned so much about astrology from them, i go on their retreat every goddamn year. does that mean i do not have hundreds (no exaggeration) of other books, from astrologers who have their view on the best way to interpret charts? of course not. does the astro twins method tend to resonate more with me, well yea, but i still look, ache, seek, for more information. it only enhances my practice.
so recently i collaborated (as some of you know) with Jenn Satinsky on a boudoir/astrology event. i knew we needed promo shots for this, i knew it would be me in the shots. it had to be. as of late i had not been feeling overall body confident (GASP! ME?!? YES ME). i wanted these images to be perfect, i had an image i wanted to see. fast forward to day of the shoot. well hot DAMN i felt like a million bucks, drizzled in diamonds, on top of a pile of gold, hidden in a crystal cave. i. was. working. it. feeling myself. something just flipped in me that morning, i was ready for people to see what this real body looked like. there isn’t anything wrong with it, aside from the stress pimple brewing underneath my chin (motherfucker).
Jenn edits them, imagine me sitting at my table, scrolling up and up and with each picture going, “oh, yes, holy shit, yessss, ohhhhh, YES” and then suddenly “OH. NO. NOPE NOPEEEEUHHHH”. there is a image of me with my back to the camera in jeans, no top, holding flowers backwards, and uhhhhh. well. there is a back roll there that i uh, was not super aware of. i mean. i was aware of her, i felt her in my bra but um thats what she looks like? i told Jenn immediately how much i loved them all EXCEPT this one.
after i sent her that text, i felt like shit. not because of the picture but because jesus juli what is the big deal. so i sat with the picture, stared at it, and began to cry. within 5 minutes i scrolled through them all again. sent Jenn another message exclaiming and i quote “wait wait, changed my mind! the one i didn’t like is now my favorite of them all!” and it really is!
the lighting, the shot, the flowers, MY BACK, just all pure and raw and gorgeous. four years ago? three years ago? I would have said the whole thing was a wash let alone actually loved the one that i didn’t at first.
this is how we break the spell. you will wake up to find out that when your desires and intentions are true they are easily accessible. and what i mean about them being true is this. is it my desire to have a perfect body and for you to be able to bounce a quarter off my ass. no. so what is my true desire. it is that i want to love my body in whatever form it is in that day, i want to treat her with the respect she deserves, i want to move her while dancing to music and walking in the woods, i want to nourish her with the food she needs. so for me my desire wouldn’t be to hit the gym 6 times a week it would be listen to her and give her what she needs.
Im constantly staggered at the treasured amount of time we misuse listening to the unorganized chaos in your heads, giving into gossip, criticizing our bodies, looking for the next best thing, making excuses, whining about change, and peeking in other peoples windows, when we all exist on a giant blue ball that provides us with everything we could ever want and need, right fucking now. so lets act like we can love ourselves a little better than we are. because if you dont, no one will.
with all the light i can possibly hold,