We all have that one person, that when they are near us we have no fear at all, they can see right through all the bullshit we may lay down. They can decipher everything we need in just one glance. They know us to depths as far down as the darkest sea, and can calm us down with one breath.
What piece of us gets taken down when they are around, and why can we just throw it all away when they aren’t? I tend to feel more hollow when I am being in-genuine and when I can be myself I feel so full, why and when the hell do these pieces that make me feel hollow come back? A fear based piece of me that takes me out of my element and does not allow me to be exactly where I want to be. If i could simply just take these unrealistic fears and throw them away I would do it before I could even finish typing this sentence.
I can be restless, most of the days, words tend to be my way out of looking at the deep dark black sky that I so easily see on the brightest of days. I am so determined to shift from my old views and judgements to a new perspective that my new years “resolutions” never seem to stick, because I never even listened to the old me to see what the heck she actually was trying to say. Its the truth underneath, the truth, underneath the facade right?
How do we do this, well we sure as hell don’t decide that today I will stop eating cookies, and never look at them again. It all begins with the why. Why do I feel the need to indulge in behaviors that I know are not only detrimental to my physical health but my spiritual health as well. Tell me one person who doesn’t binge like crazy over the holidays and then feel like an epic asshole afterwards. Well, I can think of one person. A gentlemen I met a few years ago, was a teacher of mine, and then a healer as well. He used to tell me “eat your ice cream without guilt and your kale without arrogance”. It has stuck with me ever since. I do my absolute best to practice this daily. When I eat something I shouldn’t I do not beat myself up, I access why I may have done that. Boredom? Craving? Emotionally driven? When I do this instead of judging myself I am less likely to do the same thing again as I can see the warning signs.
I do not just do it with food though! Behaviors as well, over reacting, over compensating, being lazy or not driven, backing out of a commitment. Sometimes I find that my body was begging for a break, or that its something coming up from a long time ago that I THOUGHT I had resolved but truthfully had not. When I am being my best self I walk tall but never with my nose in the air, when I know I am not being true I feel small but I refuse to attack the good pieces of me.
So I continue to surround myself with people who can see through my mask when I am just too tired to take it off, who will call me out in the most loving way for the greater good of what I truly want, who know my deep well and do not try to fill it but rather pull things out. We live in a time where everyone is saying “be here now, be here now, BE HERE NOW!!!” It is true, I say it a lot too, although when we talk about fellow earth walkers, and other entities that we love, and how desperately we want to hold onto this experience we are having, why can we not seem to grasp that the only way to do that, and feel that is to immerse ourselves in it right now while we still have the chance.
So bring on the heartache, the despair, the madness, the chaos, so I can truly feel it in its entirety, and appreciate that much more the joy, happiness, camaraderie, devotion and love. I will treat every single thing in 2018 as though it will be the absolute last time, i will not hold back. I will love harder, fight stronger, be wiser, laugh louder and probably still eat one to many cookies. Throwing away the things that no longer serve me after I processed them, shined them up, and valued them for the lessons they brought.