Lullaby

There are so many things people tell us while we are growing up, like “make a wish upon a star, work hard and you will get whatever it is that you want”. While the premise of these things are good, it isn’t always the case. We never really prepare ourselves for the outcome when it is not what we wanted or thought it would be. Of course this outcome is what it is, but we need to learn to embrace the situation for what it has unveiled, and relish in the gifts we have been given from this lesson. 

We send so many things into the universe every single day, a hope, a prayer, a dream, a thought. Begging for things, or answers to come our way as quickly as you send them please universe. I used to do this as well, more often than i care to admit. I wanted to stop being so greedy with the universe, it is already holding so much, I mean my god we live on a planet, and by a body of salt water who’s tides are controlled by the moon. Miracle much? I really needed to sit the hell down and take stock of what was in front of me, quite literally, that the universe placed in my lap, yet I was still wanting more. 

Will the tides change my life, will they give me more money, heal the sick, or bring food to those in need? Probably not. But , I thought my god how minimal my problems are, problems they were but small. I close my eyes often and envision a map in front of me, all lit up like a Christmas tree, with people asking for things, needing things, and it just really put things in perspective for me. How can I help? So I send a hope out there to the divine, and asked what I could do, how could I be of help. No response. 

Like a lullaby before I fell asleep, I kept hearing this voice inside my head telling me to make a wish. So I did, I wished that I could stand tall, even when I fall, that I would listen more carefully to questions being asked, that I would only create spells that empowered women, that I would place my past into a fire, everything I had ever taken that didn’t belong to me I would give back. Now I knew I couldn’t do it literally, but I did, and do stand much taller, I will spend my life trying harder to do better, to be the best version of me that I can. 

Over the past three years, which have been the most trying, turbulent, explosive, creative, chaotic, joyful, and heart wrenching of any I could ever recall, I have learned so much. I learned so much through pain, by really listening to my pain, and others. I learned so much through joy, and others joy. I have been fortunate to learn from the some of the greatest women in the world, right here in Sag Harbor. The mom at pickup who can’t get her son off the playground, the woman who has saved and saved all her money and can finally afford a house, the women who sit in a circle with me every two weeks. I don’t shy away from their teachings, I listen with my whole heart, and alchemize all of their gorgeous energy inside this space here at Knead and Seed. It is bright and heavy, it is soft and strong, it is hopeful and magical, it is everything. I see myself so much in them, I see the young girls of this community in their eyes. I shift in my seat now, thinking of them all, and knowing we can support them should we choose. 

I possess this one confidant who gets my spirit, truly and wholly, and I get her. She frightens every piece of me. Have you ever seen your reflection, amplified and multiplied in another woman and want to simultaneously run away and towards her? I always answer her call, I run as fast as I can towards enlightenment, the divine feminine. I know now why there was no response, for hope at the time was not worth answering, action needed to take place first. I had to break this spell of looking outward for answers, when I had them inside my own personal universe inside of me. I send all my questions to the wind now, and wait for them to circle back to me someday, with an answer I have already gotten. Do not run from yourself, and those who you see yourself in. Rather invite them in, learn from them, and then you can begin. Begin to answer all the questions you think you didn’t have the answer to.