How do you feel when someone says, “do this task as if this was the last time you will ever do it”. Whether that is loving, hugging, time spent with our family, all of the above. It can feel like a lot of pressure to live every moment IN THAT MOMENT. Just like when people used to say to me when Jackson was a baby “enjoy EVERY SECOND, it goes so fast”. Ok. But no.
True, it does go insanely fast. But i do not need to enjoy every second. So we know about body shaming, but what about emotion shaming. If someone says “my god im having the hardest day with the kid i just want to give up” our natural response is to say something like “its ok, it will get better, it cant be that bad OR the worst of the worst…think about the people who cant have kids and how lucky you are”. My response to all of that is. FUCK. YOU.
It is one thing to be sensitive to another’s situation but it is completely unfair to say that because someone else doesn’t have children who wants them that i cannot be feeling overwhelmed with mine. It minimizes our emotions and all it does it create and harbor intense resentment.
When I was in high school, college, early stages of motherhood I was always living in constant shame that I couldn’t just “feel better”. I was always the girl who was friends with the boys, who they leaned on to talk about the girl they really liked. Other friends who didnt have this issue, would tell me “just wait, your time will come”. Again. All true. But still, a big fuck you. It doesn’t take away the intense feeling of seclusion of just wanting to be that one thing just for a moment.
A conundrum about liking so many boys, is that its not even something worthwhile. You cant be liking a ton of boys, if no boys like you back. You cant sit there and day dream about what it will be like to get married to this dream boy, if all boys avoid you at all costs. This is not a blog about feeling bad for poor ol Juli. Its ok fam, ended up with the guy who was loving on me since I was 17.
But, what is the important take away from this, is that I spent so much of my life feeling ashamed of my emotions. I couldn’t be in the moment if I wanted to, all i could do was think about how I was feeling and how no one understood.
I recently instilled a new rule at goddess circle, that before we comment on someones share we must ask them “may i comment on your share”. Sometimes we as women just want to be held, heard, and honored. We dont need feedback. We just want validation. Other times we need someone to say “gosh, ME TOO!!!”
In the world I have dreamed up in my head, young boys and girls learn this intuitively. Or. By example from their parents. That each individual reach out and marvel in the emotions they experience every day, every hour, every minute. They can feel them, slow them down, speed them up, that all of us rely on our own body sensations as a guide to follow these emotions to their end.
Until then. Lets stay away from the “it will get better, its not that bad, and you are so lucky how can you be so sad”. Lets instead stand in solidarity with each others emotions. Allow them to come up, and then help them work through them. Do this practice as if its the last time you will ever feel anger, sadness, joy…ever again. Like, this will be the last time you ever see this person, so how could you do anything else besides honor them.
When something that you have dreamed of for such a long time begins to take form, and you can see it before you, it starts to look like a fire burning in the distance. The fire was released because of a few variables, drive, passion, but mostly living so much of my life being told by particular people or society that what i was, was too much. So it seems that those who have told me no, only stoked my fire, until it burned so bright at this point not much could put it out.
With fire comes smoke, and often times damage. When people have stood tall with me it seems to be contained, but when they have blocked me its only made the flames grow taller. The smoke goes incredibly far, and i thought that even i would be safe from its massive ability to spread. That has not been the case.
Fire doesn’t have many ways it can burn, its pretty black and white. Its red hot, or its not. Very similar to my personality. I know from experience that living by the rules of black or white is like standing at the edge of a cliff and planting your heels firmly into place or jumping and feeling free. I see the torture in the ride or die life. I feel the inward tornado of running high or low. The other hand is steady, its not choosing one or the other, its loving boundaries, breathing deeply, its a life not meant for us all. black and white, or gray. neither is wrong, or right. they just are.
It is always hard for me when I stand in a place of true giving nature, and people around me cant receive. K+S has changed so much since she first started. It was just massage, with a dash of astrology, then i added in a sprinkle of herbs, then the goddess busted through the double doors and it became a center for massive healing in all form. Mind, body and spirit. Recently during a conversation with my husband he suggested I not put “witchcraft” in my ad (let me add this with he is incredibly supportive he is just a libra and wanted me to see the other side). There it was, my fire, standing right there in our bedroom, everything I had worked so hard to uncover and bring out into spotlight was being suggested to get put back away. Now. I heard him out (sort of), as he said it may make some people feel alienated and not come for a massage if they dont believe or are scared of witch craft. Totally valid point right? totally. BUT. For me, again its black and white, if someone can not enter Knead and Seed with an open mind and know that this is a place of immense healing, than I could attempt to show them this. However, I can not, and will not, change what I do in order to make other people feel comfortable.
It should be this way for everyone, and everything. If it annoys the person next to you that you talk in both Spanish and english they can move over, or put on some headphones. If your being told that you need to constantly cover your body in order not to distract other, they have the ability to not look at you. YOU are responsible for every single action you take, and everything that comes out of your mouth. YOU are NOT responsible to someone else’s reaction to it.
Im no stranger to Venus shaming, I see the look from other moms at the drop off line, at pick up in the courtyard. The difference is the old me would have shrunk to fit in the sag harbor box. No more. Sag Harbor is ready for Venus living on the outside. Im a wide open book in SO many places in my life. (I have millions of layers and secrets and pain— i am a scorpio after all) But this journey to be where I am RIGHT now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW, seemed like forever and a day. I cant turn my back on my truth, on what I do. i can only try to educate and heal. Let it be known, it is not in my job description to MAKE you believe in astrology, or witchcraft or any of the spiritual things we do here. If you want to know, come in, if you dont, I respect that truth. That is all i want, for everyone to stand in their truth and not be swayed.
Ive been burned, by my own fire at times, and other people’s as well. But I dont let it stop me from learning, yearning, seeking, finding. I keep going. Lately, ive been exhausted, i have not been balancing work and personal time very well. Its as though I feel like I will be punished if i rest. i know these thoughts hold no weight. i need to sink in and begin to practice what i preach a bit more. but also immerse myself in things that are for MY growth, not just K+S. I have been so interested in learning more about white privilege, from women of color. Ive wanted to be the only white woman in a room, I want to feel uncomfortable. I want to know, am i contributing to this culture and just having my blinders on? So. I started this journey. Its new, its in the beginning stages, but my god it has made my fire wider, stronger, brighter. This is my new truth. I am reading to listen, not talk. Learn, and take notes, stand in the back. and bring it all in.
So. We often think our truth cant change, it is what it is. Truth is always changing, morphing, expanding. Just like fire. What does your fire need? Does it need to be stoked? What would that look like for you? Whatever you do, just dont let it burn out.
Pisces season flew by this year, in fact there were days i did not want it to end. The healing waters, the depth, the magic. all things i crave to create and live inside every single day. Retreat planning, candle making, goddess ascension. pure beauty.
We were pushed into Aries season, mars moved into Capricorn, mercury went retrograde. Nothing has been slow. Its been so much of “hold your tongue” “watch your words”, i am often scared to speak at all. That is just not the way, or any way to live.
The divine has gifted me with firm plantings of friends in life, honest, raw, driven, difficult, deep, all encompassing, powerful friendships. ah. at long last. Twelve year old Juli sits on the steps of the municipal building in town swinging her feet, snapping her gum, lifting her arms in victory. we made it. in pieces, but, still very much solid.
Lately though, I have had to opportunity to connect with my friends, one on one. What a gift. It was two ships passing in the night, and now it is fireworks colliding in the sky.
I was conditioned most of my life to think and believe that you cant be so..open with your feelings towards friends. reign it in, lock it up. So i am always hesitant to say to my friends how much they mean to me, how they blow me away, how much i completely and wholly love them.
Relationships don't evaporate because of one incident, one disagreement, it's hundreds of collisions, deposited little by little over time. Punches, harsh words, cold shoulders, most you don’t even notice and then all of a sudden you are alone in the woods unsure of how you got there.
Remember middle school dances, the segregation corners of boys and girls. Or seeing something you want in a window over and over. You just learn to love things from afar. So big shocker, that Im over here rocking the boat. Im noticing the more time I take to listen, engage, give heart hugs, and slow down to hear my friends… that it not only amplifies our friendship but, it also elevates me. its this give and take without even knowing its happening.
simple concept eh? yea but we all are busy, we have lives, families, jobs, my son just pooped his pants, and i got a flat tire. feel me? Thing is i am not adding anything into my schedule that isn’t already there, i am just choosing to be so present that wherever i am, i am so fully there, nothing could grab my attention away.
Most of us have heard be here now. but have you really heard or experienced the rewards of actually doing it? I mean. life changing. friendships, marriage, my relationship with my son, especially work. Everything is just opening up, because of a conscious choice I made. it empowers me, it makes me feel inspired, it leaves me wanting more and more of it.
How could I have been missing out on something as simple as this for so long? I will never go back. There are some things I don't think i will ever know the answer to, not meant to i surmise. i do believe we are meant to know this, and feel this. from afar, to encompassing.
Aquarius season tends to be one of massive heartbreak for me. This year was no different. it began heavenly, as if almost to remind me how bright and hot the light can be, only to have a dark blanket thrown over the sun. I lost a friend, woman, warrior, in a tragic car accident. She was an Aquarius. a woman who stood and fought for everything she believed in, a bright light snuffed out entirely too soon. I vowed to be better, even in my doing nothing.
It is the five year anniversary of my aunt’s death, who was also an aquarius. she taught me that rebellion was necessary, okay, right. begged me to be different, and be proud of that. she was a powerful witch, which whom i will always look up to for guidance, and direction. i vow to be better, even if no one likes it.
It is the four year anniversary of jackson vaccine injury, wednesday he gave a performance at school and spoke so clearly, he was so sure of himself. but if you asked me to pull up the emotions from the fated day where i thought all was lost, i could literally hold the pain in my hand like a bag of thorns. i vow to be better, even if my health and body fails me.
currently i am processing, trying to, the physical detachment of a friend. a woman, a goddess, a sister, a queen, who well, is moving. seems like quite the silly thing to be worked up about. she though is not just any woman. four years ago she appeared. She appeared there like an unyielding east end breeze, the sort that could collapse a man to his knees, harden his tears to his cheek, and hinder his mind with rain.
i hold nothing in my twelfth house in my natal chart, i just don’t get closure even when i do get it. the divine sent her into my life so why is she testing me now? have i not given enough? ah. but all those reasons are about me. me. it is not about me. it is about her. her life, her family. our sisterhood is so intertwined its hard to see the separation at times. fear based worry, is just that, a distraction. she has taught me, no, reminded me that the divine is alive and well. she has intended, manifested, alchemized everything in her life. i guess i just don’t want to stop watching the growth. she is not like anyone else.
You may have the same ambition to prevail, and make something magnificent, just the same as the person next to you. But it was she, the person with the appropriate attitude who actually did. her, the person who got what she wanted and needed because she saw it in front of her eyes, held it in her hands. her, who trusted in herself, and her work. All the others, well, they will get left behind. She refused to get left behind because of her thoughts. Do I want to get left behind because mine? I certainly do not. i vow to be better, even if i lost it all tomorrow.
this season, was made brighter because of her, we created a magical event. we have four more projects on the books. she is the soil that i place my feet upon everyday, she is the woman who has showed me what endings really mean. beginnings. i vow to be better, and learn more everyday. i vow to be better, even when i cant.
this one is for you.
So much of what we see in the media, social media that is, are ways we can improve and how one particular person has all the answers. For whatever the particular thing might be, weight loss, spiritual healing, how to write a book, yoga, the list is endless. They present you with this image wrapped up in satin and lace, and they hook you. tie you right around their finger. now you are in, and you think you cant escape right? THIS. IS. THE. ONLY. WAY. right? WRONG.
first of all when you listen to just one person’s method, or learn just one way of doing something, even if you get to your desired result it does not mean there aren’t other options that will get you to the same place. you put your heart at real risk and and danger when you first don’t look within, (or at the very least lean on someone that can help you look within) and it can make you become fooled by these quick schemes.
so here is my best attempt to break this spell so many of you are under. first take one eye of newt, seven bat hearts… kidding. but i do have a spell for that : )
breaking this spell is not easy and certainly not quick. but you must. rip it off like a bandaid.
now this absolutely does not mean that you don’t learn new things, ok. example time. I fucking love the astro twins , i have learned so much about astrology from them, i go on their retreat every goddamn year. does that mean i do not have hundreds (no exaggeration) of other books, from astrologers who have their view on the best way to interpret charts? of course not. does the astro twins method tend to resonate more with me, well yea, but i still look, ache, seek, for more information. it only enhances my practice.
so recently i collaborated (as some of you know) with Jenn Satinsky on a boudoir/astrology event. i knew we needed promo shots for this, i knew it would be me in the shots. it had to be. as of late i had not been feeling overall body confident (GASP! ME?!? YES ME). i wanted these images to be perfect, i had an image i wanted to see. fast forward to day of the shoot. well hot DAMN i felt like a million bucks, drizzled in diamonds, on top of a pile of gold, hidden in a crystal cave. i. was. working. it. feeling myself. something just flipped in me that morning, i was ready for people to see what this real body looked like. there isn’t anything wrong with it, aside from the stress pimple brewing underneath my chin (motherfucker).
Jenn edits them, imagine me sitting at my table, scrolling up and up and with each picture going, “oh, yes, holy shit, yessss, ohhhhh, YES” and then suddenly “OH. NO. NOPE NOPEEEEUHHHH”. there is a image of me with my back to the camera in jeans, no top, holding flowers backwards, and uhhhhh. well. there is a back roll there that i uh, was not super aware of. i mean. i was aware of her, i felt her in my bra but um thats what she looks like? i told Jenn immediately how much i loved them all EXCEPT this one.
after i sent her that text, i felt like shit. not because of the picture but because jesus juli what is the big deal. so i sat with the picture, stared at it, and began to cry. within 5 minutes i scrolled through them all again. sent Jenn another message exclaiming and i quote “wait wait, changed my mind! the one i didn’t like is now my favorite of them all!” and it really is!
the lighting, the shot, the flowers, MY BACK, just all pure and raw and gorgeous. four years ago? three years ago? I would have said the whole thing was a wash let alone actually loved the one that i didn’t at first.
this is how we break the spell. you will wake up to find out that when your desires and intentions are true they are easily accessible. and what i mean about them being true is this. is it my desire to have a perfect body and for you to be able to bounce a quarter off my ass. no. so what is my true desire. it is that i want to love my body in whatever form it is in that day, i want to treat her with the respect she deserves, i want to move her while dancing to music and walking in the woods, i want to nourish her with the food she needs. so for me my desire wouldn’t be to hit the gym 6 times a week it would be listen to her and give her what she needs.
Im constantly staggered at the treasured amount of time we misuse listening to the unorganized chaos in your heads, giving into gossip, criticizing our bodies, looking for the next best thing, making excuses, whining about change, and peeking in other peoples windows, when we all exist on a giant blue ball that provides us with everything we could ever want and need, right fucking now. so lets act like we can love ourselves a little better than we are. because if you dont, no one will.
with all the light i can possibly hold,
We all have that one person, that when they are near us we have no fear at all, they can see right through all the bullshit we may lay down. They can decipher everything we need in just one glance. They know us to depths as far down as the darkest sea, and can calm us down with one breath.
What piece of us gets taken down when they are around, and why can we just throw it all away when they aren’t? I tend to feel more hollow when I am being in-genuine and when I can be myself I feel so full, why and when the hell do these pieces that make me feel hollow come back? A fear based piece of me that takes me out of my element and does not allow me to be exactly where I want to be. If i could simply just take these unrealistic fears and throw them away I would do it before I could even finish typing this sentence.
I can be restless, most of the days, words tend to be my way out of looking at the deep dark black sky that I so easily see on the brightest of days. I am so determined to shift from my old views and judgements to a new perspective that my new years “resolutions” never seem to stick, because I never even listened to the old me to see what the heck she actually was trying to say. Its the truth underneath, the truth, underneath the facade right?
How do we do this, well we sure as hell don’t decide that today I will stop eating cookies, and never look at them again. It all begins with the why. Why do I feel the need to indulge in behaviors that I know are not only detrimental to my physical health but my spiritual health as well. Tell me one person who doesn’t binge like crazy over the holidays and then feel like an epic asshole afterwards. Well, I can think of one person. A gentlemen I met a few years ago, was a teacher of mine, and then a healer as well. He used to tell me “eat your ice cream without guilt and your kale without arrogance”. It has stuck with me ever since. I do my absolute best to practice this daily. When I eat something I shouldn’t I do not beat myself up, I access why I may have done that. Boredom? Craving? Emotionally driven? When I do this instead of judging myself I am less likely to do the same thing again as I can see the warning signs.
I do not just do it with food though! Behaviors as well, over reacting, over compensating, being lazy or not driven, backing out of a commitment. Sometimes I find that my body was begging for a break, or that its something coming up from a long time ago that I THOUGHT I had resolved but truthfully had not. When I am being my best self I walk tall but never with my nose in the air, when I know I am not being true I feel small but I refuse to attack the good pieces of me.
So I continue to surround myself with people who can see through my mask when I am just too tired to take it off, who will call me out in the most loving way for the greater good of what I truly want, who know my deep well and do not try to fill it but rather pull things out. We live in a time where everyone is saying “be here now, be here now, BE HERE NOW!!!” It is true, I say it a lot too, although when we talk about fellow earth walkers, and other entities that we love, and how desperately we want to hold onto this experience we are having, why can we not seem to grasp that the only way to do that, and feel that is to immerse ourselves in it right now while we still have the chance.
So bring on the heartache, the despair, the madness, the chaos, so I can truly feel it in its entirety, and appreciate that much more the joy, happiness, camaraderie, devotion and love. I will treat every single thing in 2018 as though it will be the absolute last time, i will not hold back. I will love harder, fight stronger, be wiser, laugh louder and probably still eat one to many cookies. Throwing away the things that no longer serve me after I processed them, shined them up, and valued them for the lessons they brought.
There are so many things people tell us while we are growing up, like “make a wish upon a star, work hard and you will get whatever it is that you want”. While the premise of these things are good, it isn’t always the case. We never really prepare ourselves for the outcome when it is not what we wanted or thought it would be. Of course this outcome is what it is, but we need to learn to embrace the situation for what it has unveiled, and relish in the gifts we have been given from this lesson.
We send so many things into the universe every single day, a hope, a prayer, a dream, a thought. Begging for things, or answers to come our way as quickly as you send them please universe. I used to do this as well, more often than i care to admit. I wanted to stop being so greedy with the universe, it is already holding so much, I mean my god we live on a planet, and by a body of salt water who’s tides are controlled by the moon. Miracle much? I really needed to sit the hell down and take stock of what was in front of me, quite literally, that the universe placed in my lap, yet I was still wanting more.
Will the tides change my life, will they give me more money, heal the sick, or bring food to those in need? Probably not. But , I thought my god how minimal my problems are, problems they were but small. I close my eyes often and envision a map in front of me, all lit up like a Christmas tree, with people asking for things, needing things, and it just really put things in perspective for me. How can I help? So I send a hope out there to the divine, and asked what I could do, how could I be of help. No response.
Like a lullaby before I fell asleep, I kept hearing this voice inside my head telling me to make a wish. So I did, I wished that I could stand tall, even when I fall, that I would listen more carefully to questions being asked, that I would only create spells that empowered women, that I would place my past into a fire, everything I had ever taken that didn’t belong to me I would give back. Now I knew I couldn’t do it literally, but I did, and do stand much taller, I will spend my life trying harder to do better, to be the best version of me that I can.
Over the past three years, which have been the most trying, turbulent, explosive, creative, chaotic, joyful, and heart wrenching of any I could ever recall, I have learned so much. I learned so much through pain, by really listening to my pain, and others. I learned so much through joy, and others joy. I have been fortunate to learn from the some of the greatest women in the world, right here in Sag Harbor. The mom at pickup who can’t get her son off the playground, the woman who has saved and saved all her money and can finally afford a house, the women who sit in a circle with me every two weeks. I don’t shy away from their teachings, I listen with my whole heart, and alchemize all of their gorgeous energy inside this space here at Knead and Seed. It is bright and heavy, it is soft and strong, it is hopeful and magical, it is everything. I see myself so much in them, I see the young girls of this community in their eyes. I shift in my seat now, thinking of them all, and knowing we can support them should we choose.
I possess this one confidant who gets my spirit, truly and wholly, and I get her. She frightens every piece of me. Have you ever seen your reflection, amplified and multiplied in another woman and want to simultaneously run away and towards her? I always answer her call, I run as fast as I can towards enlightenment, the divine feminine. I know now why there was no response, for hope at the time was not worth answering, action needed to take place first. I had to break this spell of looking outward for answers, when I had them inside my own personal universe inside of me. I send all my questions to the wind now, and wait for them to circle back to me someday, with an answer I have already gotten. Do not run from yourself, and those who you see yourself in. Rather invite them in, learn from them, and then you can begin. Begin to answer all the questions you think you didn’t have the answer to.
Just. As an adjective this word can mean that you are guided by truth and fairness. Something has been done or made according to principle, or based on a right. For example I hope that I can be just in meeting every woman where she is, no matter how difficult her situation is. As an adverb however this word can mean by a narrow margin, or only, or barely. For example, these jeans are just a little too tight, I just wasn’t what they were looking for, or, my all time favorite she is just a woman.
WELL. I actually really love this word. Words in general tend to be something that capture my heart, how you can play with them, twist them to fit your every need and whim. They play this coy game and then with a clap of the hands the word can elevate or tear down something or someone. So, it can be a bit tricky to navigate. Just. In particular is a word I either steer directly into or do my very best to avoid. It can make you the neglect all the good things in your life, keep you from even desiring them. It is a word that in the past has brought me such misery, but I choose to take this word back, make it mine. Im just going to.. wear whatever the fuck I want. I’m just going to be exactly who I am today and in every moment i can. Im just going to show everyone exactly what it is I do and not be worried that its not enough. Clapping the word like a magician, making it come to life in the way I feel it was always intended to be used.
While I believe whole heartedly in past and future lives, most of us cant remember a thing about them. So this is it, this is my one chance to be, just me. This is my one chance to fly in and find the good things and just do anything and everything that crosses my path. This word has made me as a human woman alter my actions over time as I have begun to process things inside my soul and realize that what I have been doing tramples on what I hold most dear, and what I need for my highest good.
I am now fully exposed whether I like it or not. The satin veil that once covered my fragile eyes is long gone. Do you ever find it interesting that when you become the most you have ever been people want to protect you more? Least that has been my experience. While i know I have much more waking up to do, should I choose, which of course i do - sign me the fuck up for that - but I find the more clearer I get the more I shout my truth and reality to the people they want to make sure “ i am alright” , like figuring out my destiny is some kind of sickness we need a cure for. We should all be this mass of female clones that has nothing special to offer the world. When it reality there is no comparison that can even be made with one woman to another. We are all JUST the way we are supposed to be.
At the virgo new moon circle, right before I went on a spiritual quest in Italy, I did a ritual where we all talked about female role models in our lives. To honor them in a way. I prefaced this by asking the women to not say the words “and I wish I was like that” or “if only I had some of her in me”. Needless to say, we were not very successful. The take away from this is that if I change who I am and add a dash of say Sia to my home made recipe my mother worked so goddam hard to make , than I would not longer be me. Any woman who may have looked up to me, or turned to me for certain qualities.. poof. Gone. Bye bye Juli Everett, I wouldn’t be me. All that would be gone, and for what? I may be able to sing the shit out of some songs, maybe I could write better, or be more mysterious like Sia. But. I wouldn’t be me anymore thats for sure. So i say, I am JUST me, you are JUST you, and that is JUST perfect.
I have been feeling such a urge to rush, it permeates my soul like a sickness. Rushing is a true disease in my opinion. It feels like a filth in my bones that no amount of scrubbing will clean the stain off. When I rush I can't seem to get across who I am to people and what I am doing, nor can i really grasp them. The whole of them. It leaves me feeling disconnected (one of my least favorite ways to feel) and empty. I just want to hear more, smell more, taste more, but how.
This is the definition of true power to me. Being able to slow down…my god. That my friends is power. Something I feel like I am getting better at. A few years ago I adopted the motto “wherever I am is where I shall be”, sometimes I concur this like climbing Mt. Everest in shorts. Other days I cant seem to put two feet in front of the other without tripping up.
True power. Not money..could it afford me the time to slow down? I doubt it. Beauty? By whose standards anyway. But still no. Being able to type this with my phone off, the window open, hearing the trees bend and the leaves drip to the ground. Smell the tea under my nose, lavender, honey, ginger…warming to not just my body but my senses. This is where I want to stay everyday, present. It is absolutely attainable, it just needs to be put into motion first. Distractions and clutter need to be cleared forever, not temporarily, but an overhaul of my minds excessive words and reminders. Closing the portal for my energy going outward like a velvet curtain, and opening my crown to receive.
Because we all want to be heard no? To convey your character efficiently requires more than ingenuously speaking it out loud. It consist of inflection, speech, demeanor, genuflection, attire and more importantly your presence. All of these comprise a soul’s intimate language.
We all possess a language to us, I am not talking about English, French, Italian..although these definitely do influence how we speak to people. Americans in my opinion are mostly rude, Italians talk to you like they are talking to a lover they haven't seen in ages, and the french? Well they talk like they know better since they have experienced whatever it is you are going through and then some, a hint of somber, a dash of sass, and a heap of “Qui vivra verra”.
Some of us were made for the lights, but most of us are meant to tell our soul story in a intimate way, there is no way to do that if we do not slow it down. If we really think about it we all know we have been here before, we know more than we think we do, its just how we access it and what we do with this influx of vital information once we receive it. We share it, we must, for how can we know that we are all connected if we don’t. Stand tall, open, and do not look back. For we are never really good at that anyway. Slow it down. Look forward, and then slow down some more.
There is this practice, ritual if you will that I do for myself once a month. I started two years after seeing one of my very close friends do it. Mirror gazing. Should be called goddess gazing in my opinion really. It blew my mind. I remember thinking, my god I have never in all of my years on this earth seen a woman look at herself with such love and tenderness. For a moment, while I watched, it was palpable. I could actually feel it. Not just look upon it with my eyes, but feel her love for herself.
I remember seeing women in the past who would really look at themselves, and think “jesus christ get a room, you are not the only one, you are not the best”. Cutting women who loved themselves off right at the legs. I would often label them megalomanic’s, thinking they were the best, the be all end all. I know now, what I really wanted was to look at myself like that too.
This ritual is, well, was one of the hardest things I have ever done on this journey of self love, spirituality, goddess lifestyle…whatever you want to call it. The reward? The biggest gift I have ever given myself. We look in the mirror every single day do we not? Most of us glance because we cant bear to look for too long, afraid of what we will see, or seeing what we are not. We are always immediately drawn to the place where we have fallen short. By whose standards I am still unsure, but it doesn't matter, we have fallen short. When I began really looking at myself through a mirror, like really really looking…I was looking at myself from my heart rather than through clouds of doubt and despair.
It really is about seeing yourself, without any noise in the background. Forget your stories, but only for a minute. Look at yourself. Then think about the stories, shit are they even true stories? Time for a rewrite don't you think?
I do two types of mirror gazing, I do just my face, and once a month I do full body nude mirror gazing. When I do just my face, I used to go right to my rosacea, hell sometimes I still do. I would think, this is because you drink coffee too much, it is “stomach heat”, it is because you wear makeup, god you have to wear makeup more , and on and on and on until I couldn't even look at myself for another minute. Now. Well now, I look, and I see it (I don't wear make up that often) but i glaze right over it. I go right to my eyes, god I love my eyes. You can see everything in there (my favorite quality about myself…ok i do really like my big booty too but we are talking face here so focus ok!?). My eyes can tell you what I am feeling right now, how I feel about someone, something, where I would really rather be and all of the heartache and pain I have endured. They sparkle so bright when I am happy, and when I cry, it seems they sparkle brighter.
So who decided that rosacea was so unsightly? Sure as shit was not me! Media I guess right? Never get a man with those rosy bumpy cheeks. Well. I did. So. Shove it. So how do we change our inner voice? So, I let myself GO THERE. It comes up and I will listen, the voice says “ugh, this rosacea Juli, its pretty bad this month. have you been moisturizing enough or what” and then I CHOOSE, to change the dialogue. I start to look at my face as a whole rather than this one tiny piece. Ah. There are my eyes, that big smile, my strong chin and fearless forehead. Damn. I look..happy.
I started doing this everyday for awhile until it was so easy to glaze over the negative voices that I was pretty much pulled right to the positive dialogue without any help. I let all the bad dissolve in the glow of my uniqueness, my face is a testimony to all my experiences, wisdom and gifts, and it is looking right back at me. How could I be so cruel to turn her away.
This gets easier over time I promise, we are all heaven sent individuals. Giving myself the most sacred gift of self love was worth every minute I was uncomfortable. I walk with my head high every day, I show up to pick up my son in crazy pants and no makeup. Thats me. And it feels so so good to be me. Maybe that makes me a megalomaniac, but hell I don't care.
I had a vision of how this life would be, everything rolling on and on like a river, so peaceful wild and free. My life has taken me in so many interesting places, the old me would be so hung up on that many a times I jumped out of the river at points that led me to some scary places, but also to some incredible places. Now I know not everything in my life is astrologically based, because yes the planets effect us but it is still my physical body that puts me in places.
It has always however brought me to love. Love has lifted the veil of darkness that has often been over my eyes no matter how much I tried to pry it off my head. Intimate relationships, friendships, the love for my son, but most importantly the love I speak of is the love I have for myself. This love has always brought me back to myself. This journey has never been easy, but over time has been one I have come to really truly enjoy. I relish in the fact that I can look at myself five years ago and see and feel the growth, shit even from last week! I came home from Italy, which was life changing of course, and looked at myself in the mirror and saw a different Juli. She was so present, proud, and ready. Ready to show up for myself again, ready to help other women show up for themselves too.
I was speaking with two female clients this morning and I informed them it wasnt just THEIR responsibility to teach their daughters the goddess lifestyle, but mine too. It wasnt just on them to show their sons how to greet others with compassion and fairness but it was also on me. I mean this from the front, back, and every corner of my heart. Sometimes when I have moments like this I catch the fifteen year old Juli out of the corner of my eye, looking at me in awe. Its like she is here with me, reminding me, we did it. We made it. It may be small now but we are making this goddess community in OUR hometown. It is not just me, yes I may have the space, I may have got those wheels turning, but is every women who steps into this space, who comes to the circles who make this all possible.
There are so many things I love and still cherish about my fifteen year old self. She was wild, even when it wasn't appropriate, she loved so hard, she went along with things that didnt speak to her soul to only spit them back out in the face of those who told her she would never be accepted. Slowly some things faded, the anger turned to compassion, the fear turned to strength, she kept her big hips which would birth a ten and half pound baby. She kept her heart in the underworld and her eyes to the constellations. She kept coming back to herself.
Since I am a human woman, I still slip, I backslide, I do things I am not proud of. However it is so much easier for me to come back to me now than ever before. The veil still appears on my head now and again, but love always always always helps me see the way back...to me. So this is a finale of sorts. A swan song, a moment of crowning glory for me. I know I will backslide but i finally feel for the first time in my life, that the old Juli has bowed out gracefully, I throw flowers at her feet. Standing ovation for you my sweet, but i bid you adue.
Such a theme of my life, the sway, the ebb and flow, the pendelum swing. I suppose it is one of every person on this earth walk journey experiences though. In just six short hours I will be on my way to Italy on a spiritual, seductive retreat. In comes the pendelum, or is it the doubt? Should I really be going? It is part work so it's fine. But Jackson. But Knead and Seed. But. But. BUT.
This trip is a necessity for me, so myself like others I know, need a reset every once and awhile, for me its twice a year. I go to Tulum and learn more about astrology (this year ill be TEACHING medical astrology SAY WHAAAAATT???? heart beats super fast just thinking about it) and also once with Kitty Cavalier, who is not only my dear dear friend but my spirtual compass. She is such a crucial part of my reset.
I spent the whole summer nursing, cleaning, cleansing, creating, loving, crying, adoring over this new baby, Knead and Seed. Running bi weekly circles, being a spirtual compass, massage therapist and astrologer while to some may think sounds like the most zen job in the world, and they would be right, it is also incredibly draining. I love every single second of it, but true to form once a air season comes along my creativity comes to a massive hault. As someone with very little air in her chart a trip to the Tuscany hillside is just what I need. I need to be high up on a mountain, allowing the fresh air to fill me up before we descend into the intense murky Scorpio season. The month before my birthday I always tend to feel this way, I yearn for rest, cozy books and just plain old cuddle time. But then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I am ready to work again, its such a great way to end my year and kick off my Solar Return in November.
Last fall and winter was a very tumultouous time in my life, the ebb and flow were more like low tide or tsunami, I was in I was out, I was starting new I was bringing in old. But then, on the Scorpio full moon, I let it all go. No no you don't get it. I let ALL OF IT GO. I was so liberated, I cried for three hours with Kitty, we gave thanks to the moon and sat under it until we had to shut our tired eyes.
At the start of every new year I write a list of intentions, and the month before my year is up I look at them and sometimes have a big hearty chuckle at the nonsense, or rejoice at the triumphs, or simply write the same thing down again - knowing this is where I need to put more work in.
This year will be no different. October 15th I will open the box, I will read each one with care and love and begin to formulate what I want to see for myself in the next year. My saturn return is (finally) over, and while I am so ready for her to get her cold dark restriction off of me, I also bow to her for every single lesson she taught me these past three years. What a true gift, hard, sweaty, gross, crawling through the mud lessons but a gift they were.
Last night after I got home I decided to mirror gaze, an exercise I have my clients do, where we look at ourselves and quiet our inner critic, we may say something like "I normally would say I hate the wrinkles around my mouth because they make me look older than I am but today, TODAY I see it means that I have lived a life full of laughter and joy". So. I walked over to my full length mirror and immediately thought, crap I usually do a hand mirror but fuck it. Here we go. You want growth Juli lets see it baby. And to my surprise I smiled, and thought, ok ok ok girl, Im digging it. I like everything Im seeing here, not too much to complain about. I looked deeply into my own eyes (my absolute favorite quality about myself, seriously look into my eyes you wont be disappointed) and said outloud "whoa" , those puppies were tired. Not just like I hadnt been sleeping tired, which was also true, but they didnt have the depth they usually do. THAT PENDELUM SWUNG!! I had no doubt in my mind, there was no more back and forth. I need this. To continue to do what I do, I need this trip. But then I looked harder and said they are drained because of all the magical work I have been doing, all of the work I am so very proud of. They are tired today, but tomorrow they will be wide open in Rome, ready to capture anything and everything to inspire my soul. For my tired eyes tell the story of who I am, so many stories of where I have been, and how I got here, how I broke all the rules, how I want you all to know who I really am.
So I thank the pendelum, the back and forth, the sway and know one of the intentions I will set forth for my new year in November will be to trust my third eye more, more than I already do. Not allow myself to feel as though there is a box I need to fit into, and to continue to tell this story of spirtual awakening in hopes others follow suit.
With all the light I can hold,
It's so funny, when I was younger I used to be drawn people who were exactly like me or at least similar enough so it was easy. We liked the same things, didnt like the same things etc. easy. The first relationship which has taught me so many lessons is my relationship with my husband. I used to scream and kick and fight. Why why why are we so different. After every fight or experience however I always came out with a tool. He was my teacher, and I him. In many ways, and still to this very moment. Now I didn't know this in the beginning, this is a much more recent discovery.
He is math, I am words. He is my calculator and I am his pencil. I think of things in letters strung together, where he looks at things through addition and subtraction. What the heck am i talking about eh? I am a song he has never heard and he is AP Algebra. Both valid, both true in their own way, but so so so very different.
For me learning used to be a way to escape, I can read this book, take this course, get my masters. Im distracted, but zeroed in on one thing. Same for him, he needs projects that he can bury himself in, measuring this, how much will this cost, will this fit into this space. Now, learning, academia if you will, is way for me to be present. I often tell my clients (or friends), in astrology my husband and I have a semi-sextile relationship. Meaning we are one sign apart, im water, he is air, we just do not have anything in common. Since he is sitting RIGHT ON TOP OF ME, I cant "see" him, the whole picture, all I know is that I wouldn't have done what he just did. Punishing, but damn so educational. Which we both love so very much.
I find now this is a theme in my life, I gravitate towards others who are so very different me, seeking lessons, pain maybe even! Throw away the easy give me the uphill, mounds of homework. For that is what I truly love. Work. It is never easy, it wouldnt be work then no?
I recently started doing my spirtual life coaching on the phone for clients who have left after the summer, I have been calling it Elevation Education. I posed this question to a woman just yesterday: "What is left if you are no longer learning?" Now our conversation was much more in depth, and about a range of things of course but it struck a note with me. For some, they like to glide through life, do what is before them and no more. Which by the way is not wrong or bad, its just how we are astrologically wired in my opinion. But since four of my planets lay in Scorpio in my second and third house I can leave no stone unturned, no book closed, sometimes to a fault.
Since this revelation learning has taken a whole new meaning! It is fun again, searching for people to teach me, people I can teach, looking for the lesson in every situation. It picks me up when I am down, soothes me when I am restless, grounds me when I am scattered. I no longer am afraid to be heard, and to listen, and learn.
With all the light I can hold,
Since the last blog post, I have been writing a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Journaling, scribbling, post it note-ing. This whole journey so far, my first summer in business, fully away from Jackson, devoted to this path has been a complete whirlwind. One that I am supremely grateful for. I have found that in between the moon rituals I am all go go go right up until the day before. This time however I have two days free and it has been nice to be able to prepare and really ground myself.
Lets talk about this rituals shall we? Do you dare enter this realm of amazingness, with the most bad ass of women. Now so far it has not been the same group of women each time WHICH I LOVE! Always there are familiar faces (which is such a gift) but there is always newbies entering the k & s tribe, which is expanding by the minute. These rituals are open to anyone and everyone. It is for women who are really ready to look within, looking to expand their minds and hearts. Looking for that connection even if at the moment they dont know what that may be! Now i wont reveal everything we do, for a multitude of reasons: one, that is just no fun! two, most of what we do is in sacred space and is not to be repeated unless we are all in agreement. However there are pieces I CAN share. We bow to the goddess that correlates with the sign the moon is currently in, if it is a new moon we are working on intentions. If it is a full moon we are working on releasing and letting go. At the last full moon ritual I had all the women release one thing that TRULY no longer served them, we dyed (with washable hair chalk) each others hair while dancing to Whitney Houston in true Aquarian form! We bond, we cry, we laugh really hard and we reach deep down into our spiritual well to bring forth our personal jewel, and we shine her up and show her off. Im hoping this group grows, I hope more women join, I hope that women who are skeptical of it try it - just once even! So I open that into the universe and do whatever I can to hopefully create a safe place for these women to land.
Mercury Retrograde, we all know it, some of us too well. I certainly jinxed myself this time around I think! I explained in an instagram post about how I tend to function better during them because I was born with Mercury in retrograde. Well. Mercury promptly laughed and reminded me IT IS the ruler of my chart and has been messing with ever since. Clients canceling, moving appointments, emails not sending, checks getting lost in the mail, I could go on and on and on. Now i know not ALL of this is Mercury, some of it is my overlooking things because I am anxious, which retrogrades tend to do. So what to do. Well recently I started doing my own version of a “smoke break”. Every morning after the shower, during, or after I got dressed I put my ipod or my favorite spotify playlist on shuffle and dance to whatever song comes on! IT. IS. SO. POWERFUL. Sometimes its a slow song when im not expecting it and I’m all like uhhh ok what do I do, but i just my body instinctively figure it out. With more upbeat songs too. I really let the lyrics take hold of me and I ALWAYS end up feeling so much more prepared for the day than I was before. So i began this but didn't always stick to it, since last Saturday I have done it every day and it has really helped me through this retrograde (plus Uranus is in retrograde too) and encouraged me to be more bold and forgiving with myself. Seriously just try it. Go on your own little smoke break, you wont regret it that is for sure.
The card I pulled for this week, the blessing of Zahra card… wow! kind of went hand in hand with all this retrograde stuff, and our past full moon ritual. It really helped affirm things for me, and I hope others, that this message was really about releasing so much that doesn’t serve us, so much so that it can make us unhealthy. When we are emotionally unhealthy how can we truly offer love and compassion to others? We cannot. This card was a true gift, a affirmation that something better is really waiting on that other side, and it all starts with taking care of ourselves first. Knowing we are all deserving of a bountiful feast of love and not the leftovers that are sprinkled in dirt.
I hope this resonates with you, I hope it keeps you hungry, I hope it feeds your soul in the way you deserve, and lastly I hope it intrigues you.
With all the light I can hold,
Me. Hm. So I never thought, well i hoped and prayed, that I would have my own business, something that I created all on my own. Well - thats not entirely true, I have had LOADS of help. Too many people to actually list here have financed, encouraged, given ideas and heaps of love and support to make Knead and Seed come to fruition. That being said, why, why am I doing this? Here it goes.
Since I was a young girl I have always been fascinated by the unknown. Not being incredibly popular in school, I sort of lived in the awkward phase for those years rather than those lucky enough to pass through it. I still have one friend (sister, soulmate, ride or die) since I was four years old, she has been oh so lucky to see me through every point in my crazy beautiful life. I digress, back to the unknown shall we? There used to be a store on Sag Harbor main street called Metaphysical Books and Tools, which opened in 1986 (the year I came earth side) and if you google it, it says it is still there…however it is not. I believed it closed about ten years ago. Oh how I loved that store, my mother used to have to drag me out of there. The books, the crystals, all of these concepts of the divine feminine, astrology, tapping into our consciousness, it was all right there for me at my fingertips, until it wasnt. It was my escape, my safe haven, a place where I felt for some reason belonged. Now i know I'm making it seem like I was some sort of leper in high school, no no, I played sports, I had a good group of friends, a much older boyfriend and I was pretty average. My point is, I just felt like there was more I needed to learn besides earth science and consumer math. More that i was sent here to do. I wouldn't know what that was until almost ten years later.
Flash forward to 2012, I have been married about two years and have an incredible little boy named Jackson. I am in this tumultuous in between, this internal tug of war, do I dive deeper in this realm? Do I stick to an office nine to five? What is my purpose? We all go this struggle I think though no? Im no different. Except, luckily, I had kept studying astrology. Blooming Shells (still a fixture on Sag Harbor main street) became my second home. Stacked with crystals, and Debbie Lou who has become a spiritual compass for me, I felt like I was about to get into something big. Then it happened. Jackson was vaccine injured at 18 months, he stopped talking, walking, making eye contact and didn't smile for an insane amount of time. Right before this happened I was depressed and wondering if I would ever amount to anything, well now, I had a mission. Healing Jackson. I was done with modern medicine and switched completely to natural medicine. With the help of Dr. Suzanne Kirby, a slew of physical, occupational and speech therapists Jackson began to progress. Where did this leave me? Well as you would have it, as things began to move forward for Jackson I was approaching what we astrologers call my Saturn return (more on what a Saturn return is soon i promise). WHOA! This one was a doozy, I stopped working for my husband behind a desk, started massage therapy school, immersed myself in astrology, herbal medicine, spiritual guidance and most importantly self love. My soul was seeking another home, a brighter world that was set on a higher frequency.
Flash forward to today! I have opened a healing center for the body, mind and spirit. Knead and Seed is a very special place where anyone and everyone is welcome. We do twice monthly moon rituals, offer an array of massage therapies, have an herbal apothecary for all your ailments, and we do natal chart readings alongside a medical astrology chart as well. I am so proud of this little place, of every person who has stepped inside with an open heart and an open mind, and of myself for trusting my gut and doing what I was sent here to do.
Recently when I knew I wanted to incorporate medical astrology into my practice, I knew I would have to talk to one of the greats, not just read books and practice. That is where Diane Cramer comes in, she is a famous (well to us astrologers anyway) medical astrologer who has taken me under her star studded wings and encourages me to be the vessel that passes this vital information onward. As an astrologer you should never really interpret your own chart, of course I know my chart like the back of my hand but I never knew what my Chiron was, I never really paid it any mind. Until the first time I talked to Diane and right out of the gate (typical Aries) she said to me “Well Juli its no wonder you are a healer, your Chiron is smack on top of your midheaven in your career house, which points to healer, everyone knows that”… everyone except me. So needless to say, I have graciously accepted this new role. Medical Astrologer, Herbalist, Massage Therapist, and as one of my clients calls me a spiritual life coach. Im stepping forward into this new found life if you will, with no regrets, a positive attitude and the want and need to make a difference in this community and hopefully beyond.
I hope that this rings true with you, I hope you come see us at Knead and Seed. This is the first of many blog posts, so stay tuned for all things from crystals, astrology, herbs, spirituality, and massage….gosh and so much more.
With all the light I can hold,